TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, the city historically known for historical tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed from the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely away from place. Made by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But Certainly, sure, let us have An additional location in which American Gentlemen can don robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: offer you Absolutely everyone a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is smooth electrical power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It's that he need to cease working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the project, replied, "You realize, gentleman, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic persons. Terrific tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head obvious from space, a feature currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as chin is… effectively, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits following discovering the making's gold plating mirrored a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to a local melon cart.


"It can be not merely ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Complicated Characteristics


Probably the strangest factor on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by company may perhaps ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Area Syrians are Not sure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Technique: "If You Bomb It, They may Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, not too long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Permanently."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "where's the nearest elevator on the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is already attracting focus from Global buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll invest in a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level may also involve:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to find out a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge in which my PTSD can have convert-down support."


An additional write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Studies counsel:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to construct a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Ideas with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It essential gold. It essential a waterslide shaped such as Structure. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

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